I’m doing a little better now.
I hatehatehate that I’m home alone and wish someone would come hangout until I have to work.
I cleaned today… which is a HUGE improvement. It did take a lot of Xanax to get through though.
Woooo.
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- walks into chair
- me: sorry
- chair:
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Emailed 1/23/2012, 2:14pm
Dad,
My whole problem has escalated into a full on anxiety problem. I had an attack at work yesterday because of the scrapbooker banquet. There were 50 of them that came in all at once and I couldn’t handle it. They made such a mess of the buffet table and the floor and it made me absolutely crazy. There was a woman who didn’t wait to sit down to eat and took a bite of her taco while she was walking away from the table and I lost it. Jon ended up having to bring me xanax to work because I didn’t have it on me.
That stuff never bothered me before. This isn’t who I am. I’ve developed a new understanding for people with mental conditions. I’m so logical about all of this and know everything I am doing is crazy but I literally have zero control over it. I feel so vulnerable. I never understood when you see stuff on TV about people with strange problems. I’m sure they’re like me and cannot stop it.
This is going to sound crazier but the sound at the beginning of Shotime shows is the worst thing for me to hear. I made Jon mute the TV before the show we watched yesterday because I was afraid I was going to have to hear it. I then got so crazy and freaked out that it was magically going to unmute itself that I almost made him turn the TV off.
I haven’t been able to leave my bed today. I hate being alone. I have brought my computer and my school books and everything I have done todayinto my bedroom because the rest of my apartment seems so lonely.
I’m taking this medicine and not getting better. It’s only been a few days and the doctor told me it would probably take 2-3 weeks until it started working regularly anyway, the Zoloft at least. The xanax is nice and does calm me down but still not all the way where it takes it away, ya know.
Today is the last day to drop classes at Wayne State and get 100% tuition refund.I hate to take a semester off but even the thought of my Anatomy class where there are 500 of us in a lecture hall scares me so much to even think about. I really don’t know if I will be able to handle it right now. A semester off would put me a semester behind but I don’t want to make myself crazier and realize I’m not going to be able to handle things half way through and lose all that tuition money.
I’m bad right now, Dad. The combination of everything in my life- money, work, school, a questionably unreliable car, then grandma passing away just pushed me over the edge. I’ve always had stress problems but nothing this extreme where it has actually affected my function-ability. It’s scary stuff. Jon has been great and I’ve been so dependent on him.
Well, I just kinda wanted to let you know what is going on. Writing all this out helped calm me down a little bit too. It’s a lot easier to write it then it is to say it out loud. Let me know what you think.
I love you.
Nicole -
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A trip to the doctor, xanax, zoloft, dinner with my baby, a short nap, a longggg hot shower and I’m feeling semi normal right now. Closer.
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“Things are so messed up. I have learned to keep my mouth shut though. Telling people you are sad leads to psychiatric wards.”
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"Scars on your body show that you have lived.
Scars on your heart show that you have loved."Nina Dul (via laceofpearls) -
- parents: you are what you eat
- me: hmmm i don't remember ever eating a bowl of awesome with a dash of sexiness and just a sprinkle of lazy internet obsessed blogger
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I want to drink so bad tonight. It will probably add to my depression so I probably shouldn’t. Plus I want to wait for Ryan. I miss him a whole bunches.
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I don’t think the word “stress” even starts to describe my life right now. I’m so fucking crazy and I don’t understand. I didn’t go to school today. I felt like I couldn’t. I’m so exhausted from not sleeping. My eyes look so bad. I look like a zombie.
I have really bad time anxiety. I feel like I’m always going to miss something or forget something and it doesn’t motivate me, it makes me sit here and be scared and not actually get things done.
I’m so paranoid my boyfriend will start hating me one day. I’m so dependent on him to keep me sane. He takes care of me in every way possible. He always has but never on this intense mental level like lately.
I’m so hungry but I’ve been so body conscious on top of all this too. I don’t know what is happening to me right now.
I see at doctor today. 3:15.
